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I Run, Therefore I Am Still Nuts! eBook

I Run, Therefore I Am Still Nuts! eBook

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    Whether you are just getting acquainted with the joys of running or you can recite the brand and model number of your last 12 pairs of running shoes, you’ll identify with this book as runners did with the popular first volume, I Run, Therefore I Am—Nuts!

    Best-selling running humorist Bob Schwartz—the Dave Barry of running—is back and will once again have you laughing as he captures the humor, craziness, and obsessions of runners—new and old—with this new collection of 43 hilarious stories.

    I Run, Therefore I Am—STILL Nuts! brings out the humor in situations that every runner can relate to:
    • Suffering from RWIA, otherwise known as running watch information addiction
    • The addictive nature of high-intensity interval training
    • The depths of despair upon learning your favorite shoe will be discontinued
    • Embracing the saving grace of age-graded race time calculators
    • Attempting to run with a reluctant canine companion
    • Trying out running in the oxymoron of barefoot shoes
    If you know that the iliotibial band is not an alternative rock group, wear bruised toenails like badges of honor, and know the feeling of having an elephant resting on your shoulders as you’ve hit the wall—this book is for you!

    Table of Contents

    Introduction: It’s Staring You Right in the Feet

    Part I It’s All in the Approach to Make Your Runs Beyond Reproach
    If it works, then don’t nix it

    Chapter 1 Much Ado About Something
    Style points equal mile points

    Chapter 2 Watch, What You Say To Me!
    Flattery can come from the strangest places

    Chapter 3 We Could All Use a Little More Common Dense
    Sometimes it’s best to “Go Your Own Way.”

    Chapter 4 H.I.I.T. Me With My Best Shot
    Better fitness through masochism 

    Part II Who’s Running With Me?
    Alone in a Crowd vs Company While Going Solo

    Chapter 5 Solitary Refinement
    So long solo long!

    Chapter 6 Look At Me Now
    Is it conceit to tweet your feats?

    Chapter 7 Forecast: Partly Cloudy, Good Chance of Pain
    Follow Sparky Anderson’s words on your way to nirvana

    Chapter 8 Every Dog Has Its Way 
    You can lead a dog, but you can’t always make him a canine convert

    Part III Lacing ’Em Up and Laying ’Em Down
    Wins, Losses, and a Whole Lot in Between

    Chapter 9 What Are the Odds That Older and Slower Equals Better?
    Using your shortcomings to your advantage in the long run

    Chapter 10 Count Me in on Counting Me Out
    Other challenges after erasing 100-mile races from your to-do list

    Chapter 11 Refraining From Explaining
    A poor race performance may be unjust, but needs no justification

    Chapter 12 Log Me In
    Do elite runners put on their shorts one leg at a time?

    Part IV The Road to Injury Is Paved With Foolish Intentions
    Injuries come and go, but stubbornness remains

    Chapter 13 Runner, Heal Thyself!
    Self-diagnosis begins with a dim guinea pig for a patient

    Chapter 14 The Impact Of Nonimpact
    Finding true love with a sweat-inducing, quadriceps-exhausting machine

    Chapter 15 Behind Every Comeback Is a Foolhardy Failure
    Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, runner rehab is in order

    Chapter 16 Malady Malfeasance
    There are more than two certainties in life

    Part V From the Back of the Pack to the Fleet Elite, Runners Aren’t Run of the Mill
    What some call quirks we call talents

    Chapter 17 If the Shoe Fits, Snare It!
    Losing, then rediscovering, your favorite kicks

    Chapter 18 Running Is Elementary, My Dear
    Simplicity is the father of ascension

    Chapter 19 Do What They Say and Watch the Day Zip Away
    Operating by the book makes for a long read

    Chapter 20 Gesticulate in Kind
    To acknowledge or not to acknowledge, that is the question

    Part VI The Nonthinker’s Guide to the Path of Least Resistance
    Yoda says, “Do or Do Not. There Is No Try.”

    Chapter 21 Do What You Want to Do 
    Whatever starts your engine and puts a bounce in your step

    Chapter 22 Giving Yourself the Benefit of No Doubt
    Sometimes it’s best to just stop thinking

    Chapter 23 More Than a Feeling
    Take to the sky on a natural high

    Chapter 24 The Time Is Now
    The times may be a-changing, but our infatuation with time is constant

    Part VII The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Nonrunner
    Weak in the knees while knee deep in anatomy

    Chapter 25 Woe Is Knee!
    The inability to run a step is the first step to admitting you have a problem

    Chapter 26 The Arms Have It
    “You’ll have to stop weight bearing exercise for a while.” A survivor’s tale

    Chapter 27 Scope Me Out
    “A man’s got to know his limitations.” DirtyHarry

    Part VIII Jack of No Trades, Master of Run
    Learning while on the run is all part of the fun

    Chapter 28 Lessons Learned, Lessons Spurned
    Wacky wisdom gleaned from years on the run

    Chapter 29 Who Can Leap Standing Water in a Single Bound?
    The peculiar talents of Runnerman and Runnerwoman

    Chapter 30 Phoning It In
    Taking the talk test to a whole new level

    Chapter 31 Fashionable Fartleks 
    Wick me away!

    Part IX Enjoying the View on the Competitive Drive
    Keeping perspective is good, but elusive

    Chapter 32 To Thine Own Self Be You
    There are multiple paths to the mountaintop. The key is finding your itinerary

    Chapter 33 Climb Every Mountain, or at Least a Small Mound Now and Then
    Go with the flow and redefine slow

    Chapter 34 Just Lose, Baby!
    There is joy in Mudville

    Chapter 35 Faster Finishing Counterparts
    Setting the pace for the race within a race

    Part X The Legs Have It! Don’t Be Defeeted
    Figuring out what will keep you on the streets

    Chapter 36 May the Stick Be With You!
    The magic wand to the land of self-massage

    Chapter 37  Not Fully Baring My Sole
    Less is more in more ways than one

    Chapter 38 Rhythm of the Run
    There will be “Dancing in the Street”

    Chapter 39 Getting the Bends for Bending
    Can a runner with the flexibility of concrete survive yoga?

    Part XI Behind Every Nuts Runner Are Very Accepting Nonrunners
    The Runner’s Family Knows Their RICE from Their DOMS

    Chapter 40 For Better or for Worse
    A union of soles and souls

    Chapter 41 Over Hill, Over Dale, and I’m Pale
    Does the mud bath cost extra?

    Chapter 42 Have Shoes, Will Travel
    Maintaining marital bliss on race-destination vacations

    APPENDIX: What Color Is Your Singlet?
    Lactate or pronate? Swing gait vs heart rate?
    Cool down with the runner’s quotient exam

    About the Author
    About the Illustrator

    About the Author

    Bob Schwartz is the author of five books and a freelance writer whose popular articles have been published in over 200 magazines. His humorous essays on running have appeared in more than 40 national and international running magazines and regional magazines, including Runner’s World and Running Fitness.

    I Run, Therefore I Am—Nuts!, a hilarious look at the sport of running, has become a best-selling book, and his books have been finalists in the humor category of the USA Book News Awards, the ForeWord Book Awards, the Benjamin Franklin Book Awards, and the Independent Publisher Book Awards. Bob has also won the Gold Award from Parenting Publications of America for his humorous essays on family life. Bob has presented humorous talks at races throughout the United States.

    Bob lives in Huntington Woods, Michigan, with his wife, Robin, and three children. He graduated from the University of Colorado and received his law degree from the University of Oregon. In addition to his writing, he is the CEO of the Here to Help Foundation, which he operates with his wife.

    Bob raised over $50,000 through an ultramarathon benefiting the Institute for Craniofacial and Reconstructive Surgery and received the Dove Award from The Arc for implementing a basketball program for people with physical and mental disabilities. Bob also received the Avadenka Award from the State Bar of Michigan for his community service. He founded the Cheetahs Running Club in the Berkley School District of Michigan, for which he was awarded a grant from the Saucony Run for Good Foundation.

    In the universal language of runners, Bob has PRs of 2:42:13 for the marathon, 34:18 for the 10K, 1:16:08 for the half marathon, and 58 seconds for the third-grade potato sack race.


    In his quest to be a better runner, Bob Schwartz has captured the true mindset of the distance runner. In I Run, Therefore I Am—STILL Nuts! Schwartz articulates this with humor.”  

    Jean Knaack-- Executive Director, Road Runners Club of America

    "A great many runners take their running extremely seriously. Bob Schwartz does, too, but in a seriously funny way."

    Rich Benyo-- Editor, Marathon & Beyond